Our bond with Death

Death is one of the most difficult topics to contemplate upon as you never know what death looks like, until you are going through it. Many people die after aging gracefully, many suffer due to sickness before they depart, many pass away suddenly and few die silently, while sleeping.

If you ask any person, how they would like to die, they will choose the last option. Even, I wish to die in my sleep, while still in a healthy body, as most of us would not like to suffer a long time. But this is a view of the person who still has a healthy body. Secretly, nobody ever wants to die. When faced with death, we will spend every bit of our savings to hang on to life. A dying man may still choose to suffer for a long time over death. I don't know why and I don't want to contemplate on it. Why, you ask? Well, because It does not help me to move forward. There are some questions that begin with “Why”, and they tend to impede the smooth flow of life. Only those questions that help me move forward, help the humanity and nature move ahead are worth pondering over.

Perhaps, if we all knew what lies ahead of us after death, that we would be at peace. We would make much better choices in our life. All religions have given us a concept of death. And it is imperative for all of us, to place some belief on meaning of death, in order to put a meaning of life. Whether you believe in karma and rebirth, or you believe in day of reckoning and hell-heaven post death, you are free to choose your faith. For, what we do between birth and death is far more important than the death itself.

Our first encounter...

Most people have fleeting thoughts of death, when we visit a funeral ceremony of a deceased person in our social circle. But our first encounter with this profundity happens when we lose a loved one of our own. It is the most painful period for most. Loved one’s, do not mean just a relative or a friend, but someone with whom we were emotionally deeply connected with. Those loved ones were the source of our strength and inspiration throughout life. These loved ones were the beacon in our lives, always guiding us to be a better version of ourselves.

Such events can permanently alter the way we approach life. It is an extremely important lesson that this journey of life can impart unto us. Nature usually prepares most of us, by giving warnings ahead of the inevitable. But are we truly prepared to accept it. Perhaps, only a handful of us. Unless we are internally fulfilled and have collected enough spiritual wealth, death of loved ones can wreck most of us.

Death serves a message...

The loud and clear message of nature, that death is an individual journey, is not lost on us at that moment. A feeling of detachment surrounds all of us. We realise the temporary nature of everything around us. If you ask me, detachment is that final touch on our character. When harnessed well, this detachment can get us to state of equipoise. But it is very easy to lose this equipoise once we go back to the samsara. Such is the dazzle of maya or illusion of our creation.

The bereavement or grief period is a very critical period and foundation for one's spiritual journey to begin or advance. Either a new and strong character will emerge or you will succumb by staying in denial.

All contemplation and reflection done in this period, give great insights into our lives. We have a chance to understand our futile ego, our stubbornness, people we hurt in past with our actions and words. Wrong doings in any relationships will be clear in your mind.

Be strong but not hard

How long does a grief period last is dependent upon how deep one's connection was with the departed soul. It is perfectly fine to give time to the grieving. One will have to empty one's vessel. Always remember, time is the greatest healer.

There will invariably be one person in the family, who will be expected to "Be Strong" by people offering counsel and encouragement. I wish to share few thoughts on those who are acting strong because they are expected to be it. Being strong is tough work. It does not mean being hard. Hard humans will break. Hard will mean - controlling and curbing emotions.

On the contrary, being strong does not only mean you respect emotions of yours and other grieving members, but also being compassionate and empathetic to their needs.

Only strong people look beyond their pain. Your pain reduces when you try and reduce it for others, to be there for them - emotionally, physically and if I might say, spiritually, in the rest of their journey. The choice of words like - 'I will stand with you and for you, every step of the way’, will make sure you stepped up and this in turn will ensure you feel taller from within.

The void left when someone close to you dies, is huge. It is natural that many small instances, memories, habits and frequent flashbacks will remind you of the memories of deceased person. It is natural to smile and cry at the recollection of those memories. Never bottle your emotions. It's perfectly fine to cry, even in front of your colleagues in a work place. Don’t worry about people around you. It may make you look vulnerable, but it’s okay. Letting out emotions helps you have a fine balanced view of life along with contemplating your own issues at hand.

Use grief to know the real meaning of life and relationships. The insights will propel you further. Being strong and not hard is the essence of life.

Love and Peace,

Nitin Om Patnia

Disclaimer: The author works as a financial advisor in India. The views expressed here are completely his own and are a collective wisdom of numerous humans that co-exist or existed before the author. The author claims no right of originality of ideas but would like to assert the right to his style of writing. There is no intent to hurt anyone's sentiments with his opinions. It is just an honest expression by the author to help anyone who may be benefited from his writings. And a medium to express his gratitude to all who contributed to bless the author with wisdom. Most of all to his spiritual master, Om Swami, in bestowing wisdom and grace.